Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
