I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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