I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
