I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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