I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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