Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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