I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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