I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I need a beard to bite.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
