He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
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I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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