oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
So here I am, sexting at work.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
