I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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