Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
