dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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