Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
