I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
