They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
