I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
