you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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