We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
