Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
