And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
