According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
