He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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