The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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