Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
