The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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