He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
