As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.