T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go