Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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