i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
