And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
