i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
