i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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