i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
