My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
