Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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