I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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