I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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