I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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