This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
