The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
