so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
