I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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