I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You should frame my arrest warrant.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
