Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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