so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
