I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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