I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
