Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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