And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
