hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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