last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Randomize
