More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
