I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
