Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
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I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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