I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
