I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
