please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
